Thursday, December 16, 2004

Jealousy: Intense Love or Insecurity?

It's finally over. He can't take her incessant nagging and jealous fits any longer. He just walked out on her and she's now lost, not knowing what to do.
I remember last year he kept telling me, "Hindi ko na kaya, hindi ko na kaya." I was thinking he wanted to tell someone that he is having an affair. Yun pala hindi na niya kaya ang ugali ng asawa niya. There were times he would motion me not to speak or not to say certain things, paano ina-nag na naman pala sya about it. He spends a lot of money on overseascalls to her but everytime he calls she nags her about some insignificant detail. Nakakasawa nga talaga. He bought her a PC so they could chat but she still nags him about something or the other. She even questioned the time he chatted with me, my mom and a cousin, HELLURR??? We are his family!!! How can she question that?? Duh!!!
I know how it feels to have a partner who is terribly seloso. A few years ago I had a BF wanted to control my life, pati nickname ko gustong palitan. I relented just to keep the peace but he didn't stop there. Even my emails he wanted to know who were the people on my email list. And I can't go out if he doesn't approve of the people I'm supposed to go out with. For a time I tried to understand him because he was in the US and I was here in the Philippines. I was in a long distance relationship so in my heart I had to make the necessary adjustments to make it work. But I got tired of giving in to his unreasonable demands. Inspite of the fact that he made the rules, he also broke them and when I pointed this out to him he called me controlling. "F*ck you!" I told him, and that was the end of my suffering.
I know how it feels to love someone yet hate him and dread the time you talk to him. I remember feeling nanggigigil whenever we chat because I knew something was going to be raised that would cause us to fight. Natuto pa nga ako mag lie just so we wouldn't fight anymore. Kaya lang even if I was able to pull if off I always had this feeling he would know about it and it scared me. It's either we fight, which is stressful, or I lie to him, which also causes me stress. Either way talo ako, so I quit. It hurt but it felt better having peace of mind.
Why was my ex seloso? Well he was insecure. He has this superiority complex to cover up his insecurities. He thinks he's smart and wise and all that and he did everything to put me down. If he believes in himself so much then why is he still insecure? The thing is he doesn't, he knows he is still inferior.
Why is she selosa? Because she is insecure. I don't know why but compared to him, mas nakakalamang siya. She has trust issues. She ask Nanay, "Masama ba ang magselos?" If I had heard this I would have told her, "Ate, at 43(or 44) hindi na cute yan, nakakinis na! Kung 19 ka tapos selosa ka siguro puwede pang palagpasin ang pagseselos pero sa edad mong yan dapat mature ka na."
Don't get me wrong, I do have my insecurities and I do get jealous at times but not to the point of losing a loved one. Besides, why would I show anyone my insecurites, baka i-exploit pa nila! Hehehe. Cute din ang mild selos, it makes you feel wanted or desired by your partner. But just like anything else, too much can kill you or your relationship for that matter.
Bottom line: jealousy, insecurity and lack of trust, these things show the level of maturity a person has when it comes to a relationship. Unfortunately, maturity doesn't come with age nor intelligence.


Update on my friend.
She's not giving up on her BF no matter what but she talked to me and she knows how bad I really feel for her. I felt bad that I reprimanded her ahd said hurtful words to her. We talked again later that day and she understands how I feel. I apologized to her for being so tough on her. She said she can take anything I tell her because she knows I care for her. I told her I would rather not hear anything about her relationship right now because it affects me to see her do this to herself.
She knows that what she's doing is pathetic but she's resigned to this. Nothing I can do anymore for her.


Anonymous said...

"Bottom line: jealousy, insecurity and lack of trust, these things show the level of maturity a person has when it comes to a relationship. Unfortunately, maturity doesn't come with age nor intelligence."----well said.

Marriage counseling might help pero mukang too late na.

Cerridwen said...

if only they have the senses to know and realize that there is no need to question for reason, but the necessity to understand. When you love a person, you assume they trust you would do anything for them and that they assumed the same. Anything in moderation is fine. DO it in excess and it becomes a poison - it kills....

HanAgiRL said...

I've always believed that men/women that are seloso are like that because they are what I call, "thinkers, doers". The get jelouse because gawain din cguro nila yan, if not in the present, maybe in their past. But really, there can be other factors like fear of getting hurt, a trauma in one or all their past relationships, etc. It really sucks to be in a relationship with a partner that is super seloso, kasi everthing else follows eh, like paranoia, constant nagging,...hay.

fionski said...

Thanks to Anonymous, Cerridwen, Hanagirl and Kikay for their insights. I can see how different people have different takes on this issue.
Kikay nakikita ko pa lang at Ate Fionskiii mo natatawa na ako. Hehehe.