Thank you once again

I would like to thank these people who dropped by my blog and posted comments:
Mari
Nyl
WazzupManila/JD Cruz
Watson
An
Grifter
JC Smith
Dphatgirl

What do we care (JC again)
Raspberry Croissant (An again)
Grifter again
Loise Fernandez, the niece of the late Daboy. Belated Happy Bday Loisey.

20 Questions

I was tagged by Buge. I haven’t done this in a looooonnggg time.

Here are the rules: Remove one (1) question from below and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag eight. List them out at the end of this post.

1. Who do you miss the most right now?
My parents.

2. My question: Past or present, who would you consider the greatest love of your life?
SG.

3. Ever thought of going away just to be alone? What do you have in mind?
I’m always alone so this isn’t something unusual. I would like to go to Isla Naburot in Guimaras, enjoy nature, get away from the trappings of city life.

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
I would love to tour Asia.

5. Which part of you that you hate the most?
My fats... I have lots, all over!!

6. When you encounter a sad moment, what would you do?
Try not to dwell, I think there is always a right place and a right time to be sad.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
What am I afraid to lose the most? My eyesight and my teeth!

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Pay off debts, save most of it, ask my parents to come back home, take my entire family to a trip out of the country.

9. What do you loved the most last year (2007)?
New year's eve, I was with my siblings and their families.

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you:
Down to earth, caring and sweet Buge.

11. How do you cope with boredom?
I sleep, watch TV, read blogs or chat. Not necessarily in that order.

12. Till now, what is the moment that you regret the most?
Not finishing that thing I started, my source of pride.

13. Which type of person do you hate the most?
Dishonest people.

14. What is your ambition?
To be a mom? Bleah!

15. If you had one wish, what would you wish for?
Lose 40 lbs and keep it off! I wish!

16. How did you celebrate new year?
Spent new year’s eve at my sister’s place. We did not have a big celebration but I was happy to be with my siblings and nephews.

17. It is already 2008, do you have a new year’s resolution?
I don't make resolutions but I do have some goals.

18. What do you look forward to in 2008?
A better Fiona, a happier Fiona.

19. If your life is a song, what title best fit it?
Make mistake number 3. Hehehe.

20. What is the most important to you, besides your family?
Myself of course!

I’m tagging Jomz, Mek, Maire, Karengkeng, Pearljem, Grifter, Jegolan, my namesake Fiona

Thank you

I just want to say hello and thank you to the people who visited my blog, most specially to those you posted comments:

Nick
JC
Buge
Liz
Grifter
Pearlas
Cielo
Nyl
Buraot
Karengkeng my cousin

Special thanks goes to the people at work who visited and posted a comment:
ViJ the seminarian
Rome Mr Biceps

Mek, Missy and Jomz visit my blog once in a while. Sana mag comment kayo. Hehehe. Btw, Jomz has a blog too but I have to ask if she would like me to add her to my list. She's unattached. Cute, witty, smart girl. Baka may mga gusto magka GF dyan?

I have a lot of stories to tell but I do not have the time to tell everything right now. Medyo exciting yung first story ko. A co-worker's perversion. Hehehe.

Abangan!

Pahabol

I forgot to thank these bloggers who visited my blog recently:

Apol (thanks for the tip)
Mari (my template's updated na)
Cathycardia (hello lang hehehe)
Pearljam (ok na template ko)

Tumatanda na ako. Or ganito lang epekto ng kulang sa tulog o di normal ang tulog.

4 Aces Hula (Divination)

I met up with my friend Blu this afternoon. I haven't seen her in years. She invited her former co-worker Ysa to join us. Blu broke up with her 7 year GF so we had a lot of catching up to do. During the course of the kuwentuhan, she mentioned that Ysa saw in her cards that her GF has a man in her life. Ergo, Ysa knows how to make hula (divination) using ordinary playing cards.

After a while I teased Ysa to show me how she makes hula. She uses the four Aces technique. Natawa ako. This was the kind of hulaan we did in high school. Katuwaan lang, nothing serious. I was able to learn how the hula works. Pagdating ng college, I was giving hula to my blockmates. The cards I used were half the size of the regular playing cards, in pink with a My Melody design on one side. You would think tarot cards gagamitin ko pero kuwidaw, orig na My Melody ang akin! Hehehe.

Like I said, we did it for katuwaan. Yun lang there were times medyo close to accurate yung hula ko. I never gave it much thought since I was thinking my hula was close to home due to the fact that I knew my friends well.

I haven't done the hula for almost 20 years now. For some reason, I forgot what some of the cards stood for.

I just find it amusing that there are a few people who knew how to use the 4 Aces hula. Of course, there are different nuances to ever card, different ways of interpreting the card positons, etc. Ysa's style was somewhat different from mine, even the choosing which cards to pick up first was kinda "different". But the basic principles were there.

Blu asked to be read twice then I asked Ysa to read my cards. Yung katok ko pa lang sa cards sabi nya mabigat, meaning I still have strong feelings (either love or hate) for the person. After all the seremonyas, she told me that I still have feelings for the person I knocked my cards for, he doesn't feel the same way for me though (ouch!). She saw another woman getting in the way (another ouch!) but she also saw another man who is established financially/rich whom I was considering. Ok... Not bad. Close to accurate.

Blu asked for 1 more reading. Then Ysa asked to be read by Blu since Blu already knows how to read the cards, sa dinami dami ba naman ng beses na nagpahula sya! Hehehe.

After she read Ysa's cards, I asked Blu to read my cards to check if the same thing would appear. Lo and behold! She gave me the same reading/interpretation. I never mentioned the name of the person and if I was requesting the reading for the same person but the same thing appeared. May lumabas lang about money or career but the other woman and other man with money showed up.

Aliw!

I will look for play cards here and do the reading myself. Hehehe.

December 2

I've been getting a lot of advance birthday greetings from bloggers. Sa December 2 pa birthday ko. Puwede nyo pa ako i-greet ulit. Hehehe.

Austin Pinoy, Grifter, Buraot, and Pmonchet, thanks for the greetings. Pati kayo, you call me mommy! Waaaahhh!!

When my former co-workers would ask me how my kids are and I would tell them I do not have kids, they would give me that puzzled look. Then they would ask me about my husband, I would tell them I'm not married, they'd go "HA?" I would have to go to great lengths to explain to them why I am called mommy. Parang kelangan ko i-justify ang pag tawag sa akin ng mommy, kahit na hindi ko naman ito pakana.

*kamot ulo*

For hire: Masseur for massage and more! Part 3

This last part is dedicated to the following readers: An, Watson, Austin Pinoy, Grifter, Buraot, Philippine Updates, Char, MommyBa, Pearljem, Mari.

As much as I would want to tell this story as accurately as possible, I can't because I have forgotten certain details. Tagal na kasi nito, 7 years ago pa yata.

Going back to the story...

I called my friend Terry at home. She told me that she finally met up with RC. Of course I wanted details.

Terry: Mare nagkita na kami ni RC.

Me: So ano itsura.

Terry: Ok naman. May pagka tisoy, maganda katawan, may itsura.

She wasn't raving about his looks so I assumed di nya type.

Me: Ano nangyari?

Terry: Well, nagkausap muna kami, we made arrangements. I told him interested ako sa massage. Sabi nya bigyan nya ako ng freebie. He also mentioned that there will be no sexual intercourse unless I want to, oral sex lang daw kung yon lang gusto ko. Then he said that he meets up with a regular at a motel and that I could go there once she leaves. So ganon nga nangyari. He called me to say punta na ako. Nag taxi na ako papunta don. I went to his room. Pagpasok ko we introduced each other. Then he asked me if I want his massage already, syempre umoo ako. I removed my clothes so he could massage me.

Me: Ok ba mag massage? Masarap ba?

Terry: Uhm, puwede na. Anyway, minasahe nya katawan ko. Maya-maya di nakatiis ang lolo mo, binona-bona ako! Hahahaha!

Me: Binona-bona ka? Ano yon?

Terry: Bona, yung dyug.

Sexual intercourse, coitus.

Me: Hahahaha! Hindi nakatiis ang loko! Siguro na L sa iyo!

Terry: Ano pa? Kunyari pa syang giving pleasure lang to a woman eh tinatablan din pala sya!

Me: Hahahaha! So nag cum ka ba?

Terry: Hindi.

Me: Hindi?

Terry: Teka let me finish my story.

Me: Ok:

Terry: Nagtaka ako bigla nya ako binonabona. Siguro nga tinablan sya. So nung natapos na sya nag rest muna kami sandali. After resting for a few minutes, he asked me if I could trust him. I asked him what he was going to do sabi nya he will not hurt or harm me. So I told him that I feel I can trust him. When I said that, he tied my hands up so I could not do anything then he went down on me. Ayun, kinain nya ako. After sometime, na feel ko iba. I told him to stop. Hindi sya huminto. Hindi ko naman sya puwedeng itulak kasi nakatali ang kamay ko.

Me: Ha?

Terry: Sigaw na ako ng sigaw, "Teka lang... Teka lang... Hinto mo! Hinto mo! Naiihi ako! NAIIHI AKO!!!" Namimilipit na ako kasi ihing-ihi na ako, natatakot ako baka maihian ko sya.

Me: Did he stop? Naihi ka?

Terry: He stopped briefly, sabi nya I should not worry, just let go lang daw ako. Then he went back to eating me. Syempre sigaw na naman ako sabi ko, "Naiihi ako! Teka lang! NAIIHI AKO! NAIIHI AKooooo...."

Ayun! Feeling ko naihi ako! Ganon pala yon. He explained to me hindi ihi yon kungdi female ejaculate. Ibang klase!

Me: Was it good?

Terry: In fairness mare, magaling sya. Panalo!

Me: Wow! So masusundan ba uli yan?

Terry: Ewan ko. Mag uusap muna kami.

I thought she would have to pay for the next session. Free lang kasi yung una. Pero bilib ako, nagawa nya na mapa ejaculate ang mare ko! I think that's what they call squirting. I remember reading something like this from Dr. Margie Holmes' column ages ago about squirting, something comes out of the Bartholin Glands daw. This is kinda rare because not all women are capable of squirting and not all men know how to make a woman squirt. Heck, not all men know how to go down on a woman!

Months later, I was in Palawan when I got a call from Terry. RC has requested that I join then, 3some daw. I told her I'm not into 3somes, di ko type. I said I would be willing to watch or take pictures but I'll not participate. She said she would relay the message. She never texted nor called me about this.

Later on, RC texted me. I called him and he thanked me for referring him to Terry. And as usual, he tried to do everything he could to convince me to give him a try. I turned him down. Ask na naman sya for referrals so I said I'll just post and ad for him so he could get more customers. He was grateful.

Months later I got a text from him. He said the ad I posted for him gave him more customers. I said I was glad I was able to help him. He asked if I could post another ad for him but I told him he should do it himself, that I'm not his pimp. He begged me to do it for him for the sake of friendship. I stopped responding. Ano sya sinusuwerte?


Moral of the story: Umihi muna before you do the deed so when you feel like naiihi, you know it's something else!

UP Namnama Circa 80's

I saw a close friend while on the MRT train. Mae Nagtalon. It was a chance encounter, nakakatuwa. Everything snowballed from then on. We now have a Yahoo Group for UP Namnama Memebers in the 80's. Tama ba grammar? Hehehe.
I'm promoting our group. So far mga 6 na yata kami. I hope a fellow Namnaman sees this.




Click to join Namnamans80s

SMCHS Batch 84

My high school batchmates' reunion last December. I couldn't go because I was strapped for cash, just quit my job last November.
We will be celebrating our 25th year on 2009. We hope we would be able to raise funds to help our less fortunate batchmates. Ako yon! Hehehe!

Tis the Season for "Hold-ups", Robberies, Muggings and Carjackings

When Carlo arrived at the center this morning, he looked harassed. We asked him what happened and he told us, "I got mugged... Again!"
HUUUWWAAAATTTTT???
Yesterday, I nearly arrived late and I told everyone our ride got held up by some accident. Then Carlo asked me, "You got held up too?" I guess he was hoping someone else could relate to what happened to him that day. Tuesday morning, a guy came up to him and asked for his wallet. I'm not sure if the guy had a knife. We think the guy was in dire need of cash kasi he didn't ask for Carlo's cellphone, just the wallet and the money inside, of course. He lost his las P500, his baon for the entire week.
This morning, on his way to work, 4 men held up their jeep. One man brought out a gun. Carlo checked out the gun, it was real. Ilan lang silang napag tripan: Carlo, a student, and this lady who just arrived from Bahrain. I guess they saw Carlo's bulge, the front pocket of his pants, kaya nakuha na cellphone niya. The student had his nN73(?) with him pero wala na ngayon. Ang biro namin, binalikan ang cellphone nya kasi nakalimutan the last time. Hehehe.
Pag dating sa Buendia police station he saw 5 more people filing a report, mukhang maraming nakawan at holdapan this morning. A bus load full of passengers was robbed early this morning, yung oras na petiks ang pulis siguro. An Assumption student had to go to the police station barefooted kasi tinangay ng holdaper ang kanyang sapatos.
Ayus!
Ingat na lang sa mga holdap at nakawan. Tis the season... Malapit na kasi ang Pasko?

Shotgun Project Gig

Shotgun Project Gig will be held at Corik's on Vito Cruz cor Chino Roces, Makati, near Shopwise. Brain Freeze will perform there. Show starts at 9 pm. Sat, Oct 22... Puwede raw maki jam.

Rockenrollah!!

Cerridwen Update

G was discharged early this morning, Pinas time. I got an sms from her on her way to her sister's place. I guess the doctors at the hospital think she's out of danger and home care is all she needs. I sure hope so. She drifts in and out of sleep because of the pain killers she has to take. Bangenge nga raw siya minsan kaya mahirap kausapin, sometimes she's in a good mood, sometimes she's not. I tried to make her laugh by telling her I need to get my stone back from our friend Isko so I cant shout "Darna!" and fly to her to look after her. She laughed but it was pretty painful. Hehehe.
I think naipit siya sa kotse that's why she has broken ribs and a gash near the face. Just thinking about her in crushed in between twisted metal makes me want to faint!
It's good that her sister Gracey and Nanay are there to watch over her. Unfortunately, Gracey doesn't have a landline.

I would like to thank all the people who posted on my blog, sent me an email, sent me a YM IM. To beybikulet, watson, metal, ajay, mommyba, tanggero, ate sienna, jet, romesez, your kind words of support and prayers will help uplift G's spirit.
I'm sure there are also those who sent a short, silent prayer for her, those who didn't say anything but in their hearts wished her well, thank you.
The loving energy, big or small, that you send her way would reach her and make her feel better, and whatever good you have done will return to you 10-fold.

You may post your kind words on her blog for her to read.

On behalf of G and her family, thank you very much!

Cerridwen News

Gracey just told me that G met an accident last Friday. She's in bad shape and she's lucky she survived. Here is an exerpt of my convo with Gracey:

me : musta ate mo? nagtanan na ba?
gracey : nka auto log on pla yahoo nya may nag msg cguro tagal d nag online ate
gracey : nde na aksidente sa ospital pa
me : tagal ko nga sya di nakita
gracey : pro bka bukaw lumabas
me : what??? ano nangyar??
gracey : bukas
gracey : tanga dun sa pamldale yung mexicano binunggo yung kotse sa tabi ng ate ang ate papasok ng kotse nya naipit ate
me : syet!
gracey : broken ribs concussion dislocated shoulder saka nasugatan un face
me : kaya pala... nagtetext ako sa kanya di sumasagot... nag aaalala na nga ako
me : punyemes!!!!
gracey : eh alang signal yata dun sa palmdale cell nya
gracey : uwi ako 2 get her clothes
gracey : friday ng gabi nangyari eh
me : sige... at least she's doing better now
gracey : yug matanda nga nadedo
gracey : yung tinamaan talaga
me : sinong matanda? yung mexicano?
gracey : nde yung nabangga na katabi ng kotse nya
me : grabe!
gracey : kaso nga d2 kc kung pwede lang pauwiin ang pasyente pagka opera pauuwiin eh
me : oonga
gracey : gusto sna nmin dun muna c ate kaso sabi ng doctor home care pwede na
me : pero safe na ate mo?
me : wala naman danger?
gracey : oo hirap lang sya humnga kc broken ribs eh
gracey : nka plaster yung dibdib
gracey : yung ulo nga may tahi
me : hay grabe!
gracey : sa likod ng tenga yata
me : :-(
gracey : medyo naghihilo pero ok nman sya
me : punta ako dyan alagaan ko sya hehehe
gracey : oo ngabiro pa eh
gracey : ayaw daw sya tlaga tanggapin pa mamatay
gracey : eh sabi ng pulis swerte nya talaga naguhay sya
gracey : kasi ipit talaga

Yung mga nasa US na friends ni G, nasa Palmdale daw sya. I don't know exactly where, wala yatang signal don. If you have the chance please try to get intouch with her. She will be staying with Gracey for a while. It's a good thing Gracey and Nanay are there. She's a bit groggy from the meds but the doctor said she'll be fine.
We are praying for her speedy recovery.

I'm Back and Bad!

I'm back and bad! Hehehe!
I have some stuff I would like to share everyone but I can't seem to do anything right now because my mind is still on vacation. I'm still adjusting to the heat and the sleeping habits and the eating habits I got used to doing for 3 weeks. Haaayy! Para akong baboy na kakatayin.
I would like to thank everyone who wished me well, who posted comments on my blog, who sent me sms every now and then:
Arrow-N
Mari
G (sent me sms all the time just to check if I'm alive hehehe)
Tanggero
Masterbetong
Watson
Pepe
Raspberry
Huseng Busabos
Playwrighter
Metal
MommyBa
Techguy
Hanagirl
Chicay who also sent me sms to keep me updated
Harold
MEC
Russ

Isang pampagana:
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

A Happy Valentine's Day

Image(55)
Originally uploaded by fionski.

People, allow me to gloat and enjoy my VD this year.
Last year I was depressed, my doctor told me I had the classic symptoms of depression. From December to Febuary I was down in the dumps. My favorite past time then was sleeping inside my brother's room during the daytime, keep the lights off, TV on but on mute.
This year, my Christmas and New Year celebration were relatively happier, I had peace of mind and heart. Valentine's Day is even more special. Last time I got flowers on VD was in the mid 90s and from my female students. I don't remember getting anything from any of my past boyfriends. Last time a guy gave me flowers was on my birthday, Dec 2001. I got 12 long stemmed roses, ordered via the internet. Someone from chat sent it to me. Unfortunately, we were never meant to be.
This year is special. Right after chatting with S, I got a call from the flowershop asking for directions. S sent me flowers!!! 1 dozen long stemmed roses with chocolates and a cute teddy bear. The card was simple, only "happy valentine's day" was written there. Kilig ako!
Thanks S! You made my VD very special, you made me feel very special.

Sex and Consequence Part 2

I told her that I would try help her find some sort of solution for her. She thanked me in her last msg. I went online and tried to find this chatmate of mine who is a med student, specializing in Obstetrics. I told him about the situation and he freaked! He said 2 tablets would have sufficed a sure bleeding, 17 was suicide. I asked him how can that be suicide when cytotec will just induce contractions. He tried to explain it the best way he could but he was kinda "emotional" already. He said something about the pills making the ovaries manipis and that the effects of this are damaging long term. I asked him if she could still get pregnant someday and he said 70% chance she would never get pregnant anymore. Wow!

Before I proceed with my story, I would like to profile her and do a bit of backtracking. Let's call her Mia. She's around 27, single. She is smart and witty and funny and flirtly. There is nothing outstanding about her looks but somehow she carries herself provocatively especially when she chats that's why a lot of guys get really interested in her, she is what some men call "uncomplicated and easy to get along (with)." It's the sum total of her traits that make her sexy, she has a sexy mind and of course a sexy body.
Around late December or early January, I caught her online. I asked her about Kiko who arrived August to meet her. She met her in a chatroom and they got really close. There were also other guys who were interested in her but it was Kiko who won her heart because he pursued her and he did everything to meet her. Unfortunately, it didnt work out between her and Kiko, she said. Kiko decided to go back to his ex wife (yeah right what a lame excuse, he's the typical asshole who got disappointed when he saw her or just got what he wanted from her). I told her I was sorry to hear that. She said she wasn't because she met someone else.
"I met him at this site you recommended. He's an American and he serves the
US Army. He's based in Europe right now."
"That's good."
"He came here last November and he even got to talk to my parents. He plans
to take me to Europe next year, we could go meet my parents there. Would you
like to see his picture?"
"Surely!"
She sent the pic to my email. Lo and behold! The pic shows him lying on his back and her ontop of him. "Aba, magkapatong sila! Eh di full tank ka na naman?"
She goes, "Di naman ate, di naman ako bumigay agad."
"You waited 1 hour bago ka bumigay?"
She responded, "45 minutes naman." And we both laughed.


(To be continued)

===================================================

I wish I could tell the story in one sitting but the story is really long and I have lots of chores to do. Huhuhu! I hope you dear people would be patient with me. This story gets really interesting!

Sex and Consequence

2 weeks ago I got a text message from a number not in my cellphone memory. The message goes like this:

ate alam kong pagagalitan mo ko pero m desper8 na talaga. me alam kang hilot? nde pang pilay ha? :-(

I thought this was a joke at first. I asked who she is and she identified herself. Then I asked her if she had her self tested and she said she did, 7 weeks pregnant according to her Ob-Gyn friend. She took a lot of medications yet nothing has happened. This makes terminating the pregnancy her best option. I told her the hilot of my friend is in Laguna and she had her abortion around 94 so I have no way of tracking down the hilot, my friend went to Canada after the abortion. She begged me to ask around because she really can't keep the baby, she took 17 cytotec pills and she hasn't bled at all. One only needs 2 to terminate pregnancy.


To be continued...

Re: [upgeclub] pakiusap lang

And now, Ma Ann's delayed reaction...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Ma-ann E. Arquiza
Date: Sun, 8 Aug 2004 11:13:04 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: [upgeclub] pakiusap lang

i was cleaning my inbox and i guess this e-mail fell through the cracks bec. i just got to read it now. so sorry kung sobrang delayed na 'tong reaction ko to what paolo wrote, but i wanted to comment anyway. and my comment is:

I AGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you! finally, someone spoke up! thanks Paolo. good to know I'm not the only one who is irritated with people who don't bother to spell out their words or can't spell correctly anymore. if anything, for me it's out of respect for my readers. if i can take the extra effort to make myself more readable then why not, my readers are worth the extra effort. also sa mga mumi-me, (i.e. hr n me, wr n u?; d2 n me; slp n me;) PLEASE LANG! as Paolo rightly pointed out, it's not cute. it's so jologs.

also, given that phones are getting more and more advanced these days, try turning the Dictionary feature on. it's easy when you get the hang of it and it'll keep your spelling and grammar skills from deteriorating. it's important to have that discipline esp. when you step into the corporate world.


Note: Check previous July posts or click on the title link of this entry

Look alike

Renmund might grow up looking like Dave!

Posted by Hello

Things My Mother Taught Me

My friend Liza Galon sent me this, very nice...

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, 'Never, never sit on a public toilet seat.' And she'd demonstrate 'The Stance,' which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have gotten wet down my leg. And we'd go home. That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full.

"When you have to go to a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the
stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume 'The Stance.'

"Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance' as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more.

"You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on-that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

"Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head.

"Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat.

"You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, 'You don't
know what kind of diseases you could get.'

"By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up.

"You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

"You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.

"One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, 'Here. You might need this.'


"At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of 'War and Peace' while waiting for you.

"'What took you so long?' he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

"This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long."

Other noteworthy immortal words of wisdom from my mom included:

(1) Pinch your nose every evening so that it would grow to be aquiline (didn't work).

(2) Never mix drinks. (Ignored up to the point when I woke up one morning after and thought my head would fall off.)

(3) "Nice girls don't smoke." (No comment.)

(4) Make sure your underwear has no holes on it; you never know when you'll meet with an accident.

(5) Don't wear pencil skirts when your behind is completely flat! (Also ignored.)

(6) No matter how pretty or smart you are, there'll always be someone prettier or smarter.

(7) The fate of a plain woman is often envied by a pretty woman.

(8) Never say, of these waters I will not drink.

(9) If you don't stop frowning, your face will freeze and you'll be ugly forever.

(10) Never go out into the sun without an umbrella or headgear; you don't see farmers in bikinis, do you?

(11) If you don't stop showing off how smart you are, no one will ever marry you.