A Reminder to Myself

Healing by Deniece Williams

A lot of people need healing...

Now that we have gotten through
One more fall
I can just admit I've got it all
Cause I do
Cause I've got you
We've crossed these battle lines too many times
It passes through the heart
But it never leaves a mark

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more cure
One more chance that wasn't there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

I've kicked around those lines in my head
But I never listened to the words that You said
See where it's lead
Well I know I have it now
Cause You showed me how
And all I had to do
Was just to keep my eyes on You

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more cure
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling

Lord I know that Your love is healing

In Praise of Older Women

I'm sure everyone who has an email account, has recieved this piece on older women that was supposedly written by Andy Rooney. It starts like this:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30/40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30/40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think...

This piece was actually written by Frank Kaiser and not Andy Rooney. The whole story can be found on Snopes.com under urban legends.

Below is the original piece written by Frank Kaiser:

One of the perks of dufferdom is an increased capacity to appreciate people. Friends. Spouses. And, for me, women. All women.

When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible.

Today, at 71, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) sweet innocence.

But I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. I've learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty.

As I grow in age, I value mature ladies most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women:

# An older woman knows how to smile with such brightness and truth, old men stagger.

# An older woman will never ask out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

# An older woman's been around long enough to know who she is, what she wants, and from whom. By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy. About anything. Thank God!

# And yes, once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart!

- Her libido's stronger.

- Her fear of pregnancy's gone.

- Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal.

- And she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to!)

# Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, fearing that you might think worse of her. An older woman doesn't give a damn.

# An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "long-term commitments." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another whiny, dependent lover!

# Older women are sublime. They seldom contemplate having a shouting match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive dinner. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

# Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. They're generous with praise, often undeserved.

# An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman often snarls with distrust when "her guy" is with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

# Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. Like your mother, they always know.

Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 75 there's a bald, paunchy relic with his yellow pants belted at his armpits making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for my fellow geezers. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman you've become. Without the distraction of some demanding old fart clinging and whining his way into your serenity.

Do you have a New Year's Resolution?

Do you have a New Year's Resolution? 15 years ago I had a list of those and I never really got to do most of it. In 10 resolutions, I would be able to do 2. Hahahaha! So I changed my habit. Instead of creating resolutions I never resolve, I create GOALS. I feel goal setting is more positive and results-oriented (duhh?).

There was one time in my life I was able to fullfill all my goals or resolutions and it was in 1990. My resolutions were:
- Get a better body
- Get a boyfriend
- Get a better job or learn something new/go back to school
- Travel
- Help others/do volunteer work
I was able to do everything. I don't know why I can't duplicate this feat?

I still have a couple of goals in mind but because of some set-backs I have to set aside the goal setting activity for next week.

Here are the Top 10 Resolutions:

1 ) Lose Weight and Get in Better Physical Shape
2 ) Stick to a Budget
3 ) Debt Reduction
4 ) Enjoy More Quality Time with Family & Friends
5 ) Find My Soul Mate
6 ) Quit Smoking
7 ) Find a Better Job
8 ) Learn Something New
9 ) Volunteer and Help Others
10) Get Organized


Read the entire article and other interesting facts on 10 Million Resolutions


Image courtesy of Academie de Nancy-Metz

A old definition of living at cause, of living at effect.

Got this from the Manifestation Masters yahoo group:

I found the following interesting. A old definition of living at cause, of living at effect.
"Those who can solve their problems are called wise; but nobody, however wise, can make another person wise. We cannot solve another person's problem for him. One thing, however, we can sometimes do to help another in his problem if he is seeking for help. We can reinterpret his problem for him and so give it back to him, looking different, presenting a new aspect, so that he may perhaps make more effective progress with solving it for himself."

- sandygodheart

Quote of the Day

At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religous or political ideas.

Aldous Huxley
English critic & novelist (1894 - 1963)

Boracay Sunset

Boracay Sunset
Originally uploaded by fionski.

Good thing I was able to catch the Boracay sunset. The sun was setting quite fast.

The sunset is almost gone...

Very quiet.
Very calm.
Very serene.
The sunset here signifies the end of summer and start of the rainy season, start of school...

A Woman's Prayer

Prayer, originally uploaded by fionski.

For all the ladies in the house. I'm sure you will like this. Got this from Au.

A Woman's Prayer

For my single friends...

As I close my eyes and open my soul in prayer
To ask for the one who will bring me joy,
I ask that he will be strong enough to hold me when I am weak
And gentle enough to wipe the tears from my eyes.
Let my cheek fit perfectly in the crook of his neck
So when he embraces me we are two pieces of a puzzle complete.
Make his smile at the sound of my voice to make me believe
That I am the only woman on earth.
Make him handsome and winning, give him a sense of humor
So he can make me laugh when I feel like crying,
And give him the sensitivity to protect me
Even from the imaginary creatures that haunt me.
Make him unafraid to show the child inside of him.
When he enters a room, let him be graceful yet masculine.
Let him shine, even if only in my eyes.
Give him the intelligence to speak to my mind, my heart and my soul.
Let his words and his love enter my being like a food to a starving soul.
Give him a gentle touch, a strong voice and a loving embrace.
Let him love my mother and father as his own
And let them love him as their son.
Allow his shoulders to be wide enough to carry
The burdens of the wicked world, with a good heart and an understanding soul.
Give him a direction and ambition and give him the initiative
To freely seek that which he desires and needs in this life.
Let him accept me for who I am, and yet
Let him point out my mistakes while conceding that he is not perfect.
Make him considerate, even when others are not watching.
Make him my friend first, and a lover second.
But most of all, let him embrace my God, as I know how to embrace Him.
Make him unashamed to turn to Him in joyous moments and in sad.
Let us be reborn in Him a single soul encompassing two bodies,
And let us love Him in peaceful harmony.

A Rock Feels No Pain

by John Fischer

I was going through my old emails and I found this one, a daily devotional piece. Although this devotional was written in the "Christian" context, it makes practical sense in the romantic context. This is one of the things I sort of re-affirmed to myself when I took that 3 week hiatus.
Those who are afraid to love again, please read on.

The popular singing duo, Simon and Garfunkel, had a song early in their career that defiantly asserted individuality and an exaggerated aversion for relationships. In this song the singer talks about being a fortress unto himself, distaining love and laughter, and having no need for friendship. Hiding away in his room with his books and poetry to protect him, he isolates himself from all human relationships because he has identified those relationships as the cause of all his emotional pain. He is a rock and an island—alone to himself in the world.

The philosophy of the song hinges on the words: “If I never loved I never would have cried.” It’s all about protecting oneself from being hurt by removing oneself from what one perceives to be the source of the pain. I think we can all understand these feelings having been hurt by relationships and finding, even for a season, a certain consolation in being alone. But I think we also would agree that isolation is never the answer to this kind of pain. To love anyone is to be vulnerable and open to being hurt. Love and pain go together, and the only true answer to this dilemma is to welcome both.

Love costs. Think of what Christ paid when he embraced us. Think of the pain the Son of Man endured in loving a lost and wayward humanity.

Love is never without pain. When you sign on to a relationship you sign on to being hurt. Count on it. But who wants the other option?
C.S. Lewis once wrote about a place where one can be free from the “perturbations” of love. (Perturbation, by the way, is the state of being perturbed.) That place is one’s COFFIN. Can’t argue with that. Nothing can get through to you there. So Simon and Garfunkel and C.S. Lewis agree: There is a place you can be safe from the painful aspects of being in relationship with others, but who wants it?

What would make Christ go through what He went through for us? Love and all the rewards it brings in warmth, companionship, fellowship and joy.
Nothing brings more meaning to life than love. True love is what God is, and what we were made to know with Him and with each other. Because of what Christ accomplished on the cross, the pain of love will one day be gone. And even now, we can experience its victory.

So what will it be? The high cost and vulnerability of love, or the loneliness of isolation? A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries. But a son or a daughter knows a warm place in the family of God.
It’s important to know your options.


John Fischer is an author, speaker, and song writer based in Southern California. His latest book, Love Him in the Morning has been released by Revell Publishing

Feng Shui for Love

My friend Paul married a nice and smart Chinese lady named Agnes. She gives feng shui advice for free, part of her "mission" to help other people. A few years ago she gave me feng shui advice, I dunno if I got everything right, because I put a picture of mandarin ducks on my South wall thinking that was my lucky wall. When I talked to her again recently she said my lucky wall is North! I checked my directions and the pic has always been on my North wall pala! Whew! I hope someone would benefit from these tips that were given to me.

Mandarin Ducks form a strong attachment to their partners and are said to pine away and die, hence, they are also an emblem of conjugal fidelity. A pair of Mandarin Ducks are excellent symbols for keeping love alive. Always keep in a pair and display them in your Tien yi romance direction in your home to keep your romance alive. All About Feng Shui recommends consulting a professional Feng Shui consultant if you find that you are having problems.

Kaya naman pala palpak yung ex ko kasi I displayed a bunch of mallards on my wall instead of mandarin ducks! Para siyang mallard!

Or you can display a pair of mandarin ducks in the Southwest. Make sure the mandarin ducks are the real mandarin ducks and not mallards, which are often passed off as mandarin ducks. Mallards change partner every season, attracting the wrong kind of guy/girl if you want a steady relationship, whereas the real mandarin ducks with the ruffled feathers round their necks stay with their partner for life. Also, make sure the mandarin ducks you display are made of gemstone (Earth element) and NOT wood; because wood destroys Earth.

Sabi pa ni Agnes I should put peonies in my room but peonies are not available here in the Philippines. Puwede yata yung artificial flowers. Sabi niya gumamelas with lots of petals look like peonies but they are not peonies. Ingat na ako ngayon baka magkamali na naman ako pumalpak na naman mahuka kong guy. If I use artificial flowers, di kaya artificial love din makuha ko? Hahaha!
She also told me to face the North when I'm working, eating, or using my computer, wear white most of the time, wear gold jewelry and sleep with my head pointing North. Mukhang mapaparenovate ang room ko ng di oras. Mukhang isasangla ko na ang aking diamond necklace ah. Hehehe.
I know some of you are skeptical pero what have I got to lose diba? Malalaman niyo kung epektib!
Btw, your lucky direction depends on your birthdate. If symptoms persist, consult your doctor.

YAP ka ba o hindi?

Got this from Arlene aka drumz...


Ang YAP ay acronym for Young Affluent Pretenders o in short, YAPs. Sila yung mga feeling rich, mga wannabes and social climbers na professionals at executives. Karaniwang nasa edad 25 hanggang 40, ang mga YAPs ay paboritong target market, because they'll lap up everything, buy anything, do what it takes as long as everybody else does. Kaya kung may 3330 yung ka-opisina niya, para maging "in" din siya, bibili din siya, kahit hindi niya talaga kailangan. Kung may Palm Pilot, bibili din siya. Kung nagba-bar hopping, magba-bar hopping din siya, basta lang maging "in" or "sosy" siya. They're image-driven, caring deeply about belonging, being called something, which they strive madly for. That's why, kahit hindi niya afford o hindi niya gusto ang pagkain sa isang cafe, pupunta at tatambay pa rin siya dito, just to be seen and just to be "in".

Atleast, masasabi niya, "Well, y'know I had café latte, cappucino and sandwiches there, and I saw this celebrity, and that sports star, and that singer and that famous person." Imbes na bumili ng P5.00 kape sa isang karinderya, they are willing to fork out P100.00 for the same coffee, just for the ambience, and just for the sake of saying, "In ako."

Nakakatawa ba ang lifestyle nila? Ngayon ang tanong, ikaw ba ay isang YAP? The point is, you don't have to be "in"; you just have to be true to yourself, to others and to the Lord. You can dress up in your best designer outfits, splash on the latest cologne or perfume, buy the latest gadgets and go to the trendiest discos, nightspots, exclusive restaurants, cafes, vacation spots, etc. So, do you think after you've gone through all those things you'll be happy? Are you? See!? The point is you don't have to be a YAP. We live in a materialistic age. Gadgets and luxuries with their glitter and glamour entice even Christians to spend too much energy and money to obtain them. That's why it's important to keep spiritual values foremost in our minds. Have you been putting all of your energies into getting ahead in this world while neglecting heavenly values? Jesus said, "Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food which endures everlasting life (John 6:27)."

So when looking for a good time, forget about everything commercials tell you. It's okay na mag-bus, mag-jeep o mag-pedicab ka, bumili ng second-hand clothes, kumain sa karinderya o turo-turo at tumambay sa mga restaurant na walang dress code. Forget about the pa-class thing, nobody needs it. Just do whatever it is you feel like doing, wear anything you feel like wearing, evolve into whoever it is you're being. And remember, you don't have to be called anything but your name, to belong to any clique but your own circle of close and trusted friends, or to be anybody but yourself. And before I leave, let me share with you this simple thought:

"What we are is God's gift to us. What we become, is our gift to God."

A Matter of Trust

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. - Luke 16:10

I remember this verse way back in college. This has made an impact in my life but I wasn't even aware then that the verse was from the Bible. The exact verse that keeps playing over and over in my mind is:
"If you can not be trusted w/ small things, how can you be trusted w/ bigger things?"

The Truth

"There are only two people who can tell you the truth about yourself - an enemy who has lost his temper, and a friend who loves you dearly."

- Antisthenes. ( c 444 - 371 BC) Philosopher who was born in Athens and founded the school of cynicism

From my orkut site

Todays fortune: Our first and last love is.. self-love.

A Place Called 35

By Alya B. Honasan

Of course I'd love it if Prince Charming zoomed into my life today, at the onset of my high-risk pregnancy years, preferably in a late-model car. But women like me aren't holding our breath anymore; we've got too much living to do.

WHAT was that awful ratio again? Something like five single Filipinas to every eligible Filipino man? About five to ten years ago, that statistic threw me and my friends into wide-eyed panic. The prospect of never finding a Significant Other and spending every Saturday night or (worse) Valentine's Day alone for the rest of one's life was unnerving indeed, notwithstanding the assurances from both the cynics ''Better than settling for a jerk'') or the optimists (''There is somebody meant for you somewhere in this world'').

When you're 35, and there's not a glimmer of commitment and/or motherhood on the horizon, things aren't so simple. You wonder if the jerk won't be rich and funny enough to make you happy; you ponder whether that ''somewhere'' is an East Timor war zone, and The One Who Was Meant For You just got blown away in the last skirmish. Heck, you can be really philosophical about it.

Thank goodness the days of the inevitability of marriage are gone, even in this country, where your aunts still ask about your chances at every family reunion (although in fairness to them, my dear sensible aunts have gotten off my own back). ''Old maid'' has become more a matter of personal style than an age bracket. Filipinas are marrying later than ever, and fertility doctors are making conception possible into our early 40s, even if 35 is supposed to mark the onset of the years of high-risk pregnancy, if you haven't gotten around to it earlier. Even when there is a man waiting in the sidelines, and he's neither married nor gay, Filipinas are opting to wait.

Those who are unattached, like myself, are no longer as pressured
about meeting biological deadlines and using that uterus before it gives.

Which is not to say 35-year-old single Filipinas don't get lonely. This is not a naive celebration of female independence or an exercise in man-bashing. Any single woman my age who says she is never, ever lonely is lying, and there are some really good men out there. But some of us run into them, and some don't.

For me, staying single has not always been a bold and painless choice. I thought I'd met someone I wanted to marry, but things didn't work out. I do believe in love, and am still of the opinion that sex is more than just a biological need akin to eating and sleeping.

I'm not mad about diapers and losing sleep, but I do think I'd make a fun Mom. I would love to marry someone willing and able to make the commitment that a real marriage entails, somebody I love and who loves me--but I haven't met him yet, and I feel no urgent need at the moment to comb the streets in search of him. I've also learned enough, vicariously and through my own close calls, to see marriage for what it is--not an escape, not a solution, but a privilege that will also take a lot of work.

A writer once told me that one should get married as soon as one falls in love, before one changes one's mind-- a romantic notion, but a bit too flaky a course of action for me. Like I said, I'm a believer in love, but I'm also convinced it takes a lot more than that to keep two people together. At 35, if you still waltzed into an unwise relationship hoping love will conquer all, then, girl, you haven't been paying attention.

With the discrimination that comes with age, I've come to view
marriage like every other major decision to be made If conditions
aren't ideal, don't bother. There are other things to do with life.

The biggest difference between 25 and 35, I guess, is that the older you get, the less frightened you become of loneliness. You've confronted it often enough,you've learned how to make it go away or, better, to see it for what it really is. And you've seen enough evidence that a husband, babies, even friends may not be able make that occasional emptiness in your heart disappear miraculously. In short, you have to learn to love yourself enough to be comfortable going solo if you have to, just you and your Maker jamming in that solid place inside you.

Why isn't it such a bad idea anymore, staying single today? Well, at 35, most of my contemporaries and I are sitting in jobs we generally like, at levels of professional accomplishment and financial security that we've worked our butts off to reach. We may not be millionaires, but we can take care of ourselves, with room for occasional indulgences. At least when I go on a week-long diving trip to the Sulu Sea or have to rehearse late for a play, I don't worry if my toddler has fallen down the stairs when her yaya wasn't looking. But then again, I won't have a little angel running into my arms when I get home. Such are the trade-offs.

I read somewhere once that you have to have made peace with everybody in your life by 30, so by 35 you must be bursting with goodwill. We, my friends and I, have befriended our parents and siblings, become mentors and doting aunts to favorite nephews and nieces, and figured out more or less which friends will be with us for the long haul.

It's a warm, strange place, being a 35-year-old woman. You're not yet quite middle-aged, but you're no girl, either; you can swing between the wisdom of your years and the enthusiasm for a good time that you can still express without looking ridiculous. To be more concrete, you can get bloody drunk on the finest wine
one you bought with your hard-earned money one weekend--and spend the next one curled up at home with a good book, leaving the night to the 25-year-olds without feeling too washed up.

A few weeks ago, I got together with some of my dearest, oldest
girlfriends in the world, schoolmates since first grade, to celebrate a birthday. There were four of us, all age 35, and only one in a relationship, with marriage still a far-off prospect. Yet, over the years, our conversations had expanded from fleeting heartbreak blues and family conflicts to the bigger picture--what was going to happen to us in this country we called home, what options were still open to us, what did we want to do with our lives.

We threw around our dreams and plans, what we wanted to do, what we could do. We joked about snagging rich husbands, but we all knew we would keep dreaming, alone or with someone by our side. When you're a 35-year-old Filipina, you've still got your options, and they aren't at all bad.

LETTING GO…

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it take too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction .. LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ... LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

Things My Mother Taught Me

My friend Liza Galon sent me this, very nice...

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, 'Never, never sit on a public toilet seat.' And she'd demonstrate 'The Stance,' which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have gotten wet down my leg. And we'd go home. That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full.

"When you have to go to a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the
stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume 'The Stance.'

"Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance' as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more.

"You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on-that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

"Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head.

"Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat.

"You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, 'You don't
know what kind of diseases you could get.'

"By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up.

"You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

"You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.

"One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, 'Here. You might need this.'


"At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of 'War and Peace' while waiting for you.

"'What took you so long?' he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

"This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long."

Other noteworthy immortal words of wisdom from my mom included:

(1) Pinch your nose every evening so that it would grow to be aquiline (didn't work).

(2) Never mix drinks. (Ignored up to the point when I woke up one morning after and thought my head would fall off.)

(3) "Nice girls don't smoke." (No comment.)

(4) Make sure your underwear has no holes on it; you never know when you'll meet with an accident.

(5) Don't wear pencil skirts when your behind is completely flat! (Also ignored.)

(6) No matter how pretty or smart you are, there'll always be someone prettier or smarter.

(7) The fate of a plain woman is often envied by a pretty woman.

(8) Never say, of these waters I will not drink.

(9) If you don't stop frowning, your face will freeze and you'll be ugly forever.

(10) Never go out into the sun without an umbrella or headgear; you don't see farmers in bikinis, do you?

(11) If you don't stop showing off how smart you are, no one will ever marry you.